Speech from Candlight Memorial

Speech for Austin Candlelight Vigil for AIDS - "Many Lights for Human Rights" - Frederick Smith May 2010

I want to thank Eric Crabtree for inviting me here to speak to you tonight. He's done an incredible job of pulling this whole thing together.

27 years ago this week, I stood with 5000 other people at the Federal Building in Los Angeles California at the first AIDS Candlelight Vigil. We were there to demand that our government start paying attention to what was happening to our community.

This was long before Facebook, email or the internet, people heard about it by word of mouth, through signs tacked to telephone poles and bulletin boards in bars, community and health care centers. Even under these circumstances enough people came that it created the sense that one was swallowed in an ocean of humanity. For the first time since the crisis as it was called at the time started, I felt a real sense of hope and that maybe we really weren't alone and that we could fight this thing.

Like most people in the crowd that night I was scared, confused and angry that nothing was being done as our friends were getting sick and dying. At the time it was not understood what causing this newly named Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, how it was spread or how it was killing us.

I moved to LA in 1981 to live my life freely as a gay man. It just happened to be ground zero in time and place for the epidemic and I had about 6 months to actually enjoy my newly found freedom.

This was a time when just being gay caused too many people to assume that you had AIDS and therefore were 'something' to be feared and avoided. The people on that stage that night that stood up and said they had AIDS and that they were going to fight this thing and those in that crowd that night where my first examples of those who I can say were representing many lights for Human Rights. They were willing to give this thing that was so feared a face and a name and to stand up and say, I am not decease or an affiliation, I am a human being.

I was 23 years old when the first vigil was held and even with the threat of this new terror on everyone's mind I still was able to hold onto my sense of invulnerability. I left the rally that night feeling recharged and exited that we might actually be able to fight this. I couldn't wait to get back to West Hollywood to hit the bars along with most of the folks at that rally.

I was infected with HIV within the following 3 months.

I noticed while on a business trip to Germany that summer that I had the tell tale unusual swollen lymph nodes under my arms and came down with an odd summer flu. I knew enough at this point that it I likely had IT. The HIV virus had yet to be discovered and there was of course no test. I just had to deal with the fear that I was infected with whatever caused AIDS without a means to know for sure and that I might succumb like those that I saw around me drop as it seemed at the time, like flies.

It was not until there was a test available in 1985 that I was able to stop guessing. Every person who has received this diagnosis can probably tell you the moment they got the news. Mine was Sept 17th at 3:05pm. I was told to get my affairs in order and to prepare myself and my family for the inevitable.

With the unwavering support from family and friends over the years I've been blessed to be able to continue a full and fruitful life. I've got a pretty strung stubborn streak and no one not even a doctor was going tell me that there was no hope.

When I think about that time period, those in my life went from your friend, brother and son is gay to… and oh by the way he is HIV positive and will probably develop AIDS and die. This was all in the space of 5 years time.

I am truly Blessed. My sister Gloria sat with me in my brother’s truck outside of his townhome in San Antonio and told me, you know if it means that I have to die also to take care of you, then I will die also.

They were fearless and loving unconditionally.

My mother told me at that time, “don't you worry son I know that you'll be OK.. they will come up with something to help you when you need it”.
Don't ever doubt your Mother.. she was of course right.

My mother remains an inspiration to me to this day and I was so thrilled to have had her waiting for me at the finish line of the Hill Country Ride for AIDS last year. At 80 years old she still had the energy to spend the day cheering folks in while her two sons and daughter took part in the ride.

They have also been my lights for Human Rights.

Over the years when faced with a choice of hiding my status and protecting my privacy, I've always drawn on the example of those people I saw speak at that first Candlelight Vigil and another who to this day remains one of our fights brightest lights. I have a really hard time believing that it's been 20 years since we lost Ryan White.

Like I remember every moment of the afternoon I was told that I was positive, another moment that will always feel as if it was yesterday was when I turned on my TV in April of 1990 and heard that Ryan had passed. All of my breath left my body and collapsed backwards onto the couch behind me.

Ryan's fight to just be a normal kid and go to school at this time inspired so many. Like the strength I drew from that first Vigil, I drew strength from his courage and thought this time .. If anyone can make it through this it would be him. It felt like I had lost a piece of myself when he lost his battle and it was hard to hold onto the hope that had always kept me going.

During his life I drew on his example and chose to reject my companies policy at the time which was that a person who was HIV positive would be allowed to work as long as they could, while keeping their status absolutely confidential. The idea of quietly fading away in shame, hidden in fear like so many were and unfortunately in some cases, still are, did not sit well with me and I choose to be open with those I worked with about my status in 1987.
It's not always been smooth sailing but my life has been so much fuller for being open and honest about what I was dealing with. I still believe in my heart that it's more valuable to fight the stigma surrounding HIV and AIDS than to shy away from it.

I turned 50 this past summer having lived longer with HIV than without. I was thrilled to have had the opportunity to gather with friends and family and simply enjoy the gift of life.
Through the suffering and deaths of friends and my own personal bouts with those things that HIV can do to a person, I've held onto those lessons I've learned from those lights I've seen through this fight.
> Never let yourself become the decease. You're a human being first and foremost
> No one is going to care for your well being better than you. Stay in control of what happens to you as you deal with your medical care. This also holds true for anyone who is not positive. Never trust the word of someone else to protect yourself. Don't depend on the trap of "Be DDF ( that is - Disease and Drug free) for your protection.
> Live every day like it's your last and never give up hope.

It's become clear to me over the years that I am still here for a reason and that as long as I am able I will do what I can to be one of those Lights.

Today I can stand here not in fear or shame as we did 27 years ago but bathed in the light and open hearts that everyone here tonight brings. We still have a fight to win but can come from a place of caring, love and understanding. We can celebrate and honor the lives of those whose lights have been extinguished before their time.